#10 October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

        In January 2018, two days before my wife turned 44, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our world went upside down. She was halfway done with her doctorate in nursing, and I had just completed my first semester of doctoral studies in educational leadership. It was the most devastating news and the most challenging reality that confronted us. However, through God's grace, we gained wisdom, peace, and courage to deal with the affliction brought by cancer. We decided to seek treatment (i.e., surgery, chemotherapy), continued pursuing our dreams, and learned to commit everything to Him. In May of 2020, she graduated with the degree of Doctor of Nursing Practice. She is now a nurse practitioner providing primary care to vulnerable populations in an underserved community in New York City. I call her the wounded healer based on Henri Nouwen's description of a servant in his book of the same title.

The day after surgery to remove her tumor

        In observance of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I would like to share my thoughts and opinions as a cancer survivor's husband and care partner. Disclaimer: The information on this blog is never intended or a substitute for professional medical advice. Never disregard professional advice or delay seeking medical treatment for serious health conditions such as breast cancer.

Coping

• Be transparent to your kids. My children knew cancer could be life-threatening. When I disclosed that their mother has cancer, they asked, "Is mommy going to die?" After much thought, I replied, "Nobody knows when a person will die, only God. Yes, mom has cancer, but we will do our best to seek the best treatment to get her well. We will move forward one day at a time." 
• Have a regular check-in with your kids and your family about how they are feeling. Update them regularly.
• Once you are ready, disclose the news to your extended family, trusted friends, and church leaders so they can pray for you and offer their assistance when needed.
• Encourage your spouse to join a support group she can trust. For example, my wife was blessed to have a women's small group Bible study in our church, which made her busy and provided a sense of community during her treatment.

Infusion #2

Dealing with symptoms and side effects

• Allow her to eat what she wants. An appetite for food during treatment is a blessing. I allowed my wife to eat whatever she wanted when she had the desire to eat. French fries, smoothies, soup, hamburgers, or whatever she wanted. Most of the time, she had no appetite because her taste was terrible.
• Stock up the type (or brand) of water she can tolerate. She needs to keep hydrated.
• Join her to relax, meditate, or do deep breathing—diffuse lavender oil as tolerated.
• Supplement her treatment regimen with nonpharmacological management such as body massage. According to my wife, the gentle pressures I applied to her muscles and joints relieved the unexplainable pain and fatigue. I think I did an excellent job because she's still asking for the massage up to this day!
• Consider shaving her hair in advance. It was emotionally painful for my wife to see fallen clumps of hair on her pillow, shoulder, or bathroom floor after the first chemo. So, one day I said, "You know what? Let's just shave it." She agreed, and it was one of the smartest moves we've made. Seeing her lose her hair the soonest helped us cope faster. The fun part was she can wear hats of different colors and choose wigs of different styles.

Medical-related advice

• Be an advocate, do your homework. It makes a difference if the medical team knows you are an informed and educated patient or care partner.
• Be a care partner to your wife. She cannot absorb everything when you visit the doctor because she is physically and emotionally exhausted. Be the scheduler. Act as the health insurance liaison. 
• Establish open communication with your oncologist and medical team. They know how to treat most of the side effects during and after each chemo infusion.
• Seek the advice or services of ancillary personnel - social worker, physical therapist, nutritionist.
• Consider seeking the services of mental health professionals. She, or you, may be susceptible to anxiety and depression during your cancer journey.

Infusion #3

Mental health of the family

• Model to your family a life-must-go-on attitude. Do your best to follow your family's regular schedule - children's extracurricular activities, going to the beach, going to church, etceteras. Also, don't let cancer stop you from pursuing your dreams and passion. 
• Pray as a family on a regular basis. There is power in prayer.

A day at the beach, Summer 2018

Do's and don't's: How you can help

• Do's 
• Offer to drive the patient to treatment appointments or doctor visits. The patient's caregiver is not available all the time. I had to work to keep up with the bills.
• Offer to bring food or start a food train for the family. They may have minimal time to prepare food with all the treatment sessions, doctors' visits, and side effect management at home. Check with the family first.
• Let them know you are praying for the patient/family.
• Visit her and her family. Ask permission first before you go. Don't feel offended if they said no.

• Don't's
• Don't ask stupid questions such as, "Why/How did you get cancer?"
• Don't give unsolicited advice, especially if you were not a cancer survivor or direct care partner.

Christmas 2018 six months after the last chemo

Prevention/Early detection: A survivor's advice

• According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, you can lower your breast cancer risk factors by keeping a healthy weight, exercising regularly, not drinking alcohol or limiting alcoholic drinks, etc. After my wife's cancer, we became more meticulous about eating and aimed for a more active lifestyle.
• Perform breast self-exam (BSE) at least once a month. It's easy and safe. Search a credible website on the internet to find out how to do it. Our cancer journey began after my wife felt a lump while doing BSE. Remember, early detection will result in better outcomes.
• Consider screening (i.e., mammogram) at age 40.

        My wife has now been in complete remission for three and a half years. But, honestly, we have fears because breast cancer does recur. However, Psalm 23, "The Lord is my shepherd..." has been a source of peace and security for us. In addition, my wife has become an inspiration of faith (in Christ), courage, optimism, and undying love after going through this journey. Finally, we learned that when fears confront us, we rely on Job 1:21b, which says, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

        If you ask, what are the most important takeaways from our experience? Pray without ceasing. Fight the disease. Life must continue and commit everything to the Lord.

Ed.D. '21 and DNP '20